Sobriety
by allikka
Summary: It might seem an innocent chat, but when tensions, fears and doubts arise, strange thoughts come to mind... One-shot, set somewhere between TMG and TN. Slightly AU. ...Or maybe not?... Figure out for yourself. R&R, please.


Akkarin took two glasses out of the cabinet. Holding them expertly in one hand he poured the wine with the other. He turned towards Lorlen offering him one and then sat himself comfortably in the armchair opposite his friend. It's been quite a time since they last had a chance for a talk.

"I have heard that Lord Lerkin had asked for a Guild's hearing once again" he started, sipping his wine slowly. "You'd think he would know better than to do that again, but some people never learn…" he ended with a sigh.

"True. I had to bear with him nudging me for the whole day yesterday" Lorlen shook his head with resignation. "As if I didn't have anything better to do..."

Akkarin looked at him for a longer while before continuing. "You definitely have much to do… I'd even say too much. Why don't you take a couple days break?" he asked, concentrating his gaze for a while on the flashes of light that reflected from the shiny, dark ruby surface in his glass.

"I'm sure Lord Osen is competent enough to keep the Guild running for such a short time" he continued without waiting for an answer. He spun the glass slowly in his fingers, observing the delicate dance of sparkles in the liquid. "You look rather tired, really…" he raised his gaze and looked at Lorlen sympathetically. "Even more tired than the last time I had a chance to see you… Although that was a long time ago, I have to say". He fixed his gaze at the man in front of him, this time more inquisitively.

"Well, yes…" Lorlen begun, looking startled and for a short moment even somewhat frightened. "I didn't… I was rather busy recently, I have to admit; I had planned to pay you a visit earlier but there was always something coming up at the last moment" he explained apologetically.

Akkarin kept staring at him trying to read something from his face, until finally Lorlen escaped his gaze, picking up his glass from the little table that stood between them; he hadn't even started drinking his wine yet. Akkarin looked at his own glass again.

There was something wrong, he could feel it, although he couldn't quite figure out what it was. Lorlen was behaving strangely for some time now. If it wasn't for the amounts of paperwork Akkarin knew Lorlen had to go through before the new semester start, he would even say that his friend was avoiding him. Or maybe he was?... He looked at Lorlen again, listening with half an ear to the details of Lord Jerrik's problems with second year novices, that Lorlen started talking about – he didn't even sound interested in the story himself. Was he really trying to fill the silence so desperately, or did it only sound like that? Akkarin followed his movements, as Lorlen reached for the wine again. Why was he so tense? Why did he sit on the verge of the chair, as if afraid to lean back and relax? And why did it take him so long with the wine? Akkarin took the last sip of his own glass while Lorlen was hardly halfway through his. He kept the thick liquid on his tongue for a second. No, it couldn't have been for the taste of this particular bottle – Anuren Dark was as supreme as always. And Lorlen had always enjoyed it before. He cast a look at his friend, noticing that he was silent for a while now.

"I'm sorry I bothered you with all the details, they are probably dead boring" Lorlen said slowly, sounding unsure and looking questioningly at him.

"Oh, no, please continue" Akkarin smiled at him encouragingly. It was perfectly suitable for him that Lorlen talked about unimportant matters; at least he didn't really have to listen and could continue with his quiet observation. He could feel Lorlen's inquisitive gaze still on himself while he filled the glasses one more time – even though Lorlen hadn't finished his yet.

He leaned back in the chair just as Lorlen started talking again. It was funny how he always tried to guess Akkarin's reaction and was never really sure if he'd got it right. It has been like that ever since they become friends as novices. Akkarin smiled to himself remembering the old times. He was always a secretive person; he didn't like sharing everything, even with his closest friend. He just liked to have some private space in his thoughts – a place where he could be with himself. Lorlen was quite the opposite. He could never hold anything to himself for a longer time, even though sometimes he had tried hard. Akkarin smiled again remembering the fuss Lorlen sometimes made trying to show him that he knew something he wouldn't share. He watched the wine flow on the glass, leaving thick marks, but in his mind's eye he could clearly see Lorlen face back then – deadly serious and pompous at the same time. Yet, he never managed to hold anything long. He would come to Akkarin sooner or later to share his discoveries. And he would get extremely angry if Akkarin still kept his thoughts to himself. Back then, Lorlen used to kick up a row from time to time just for that reason. The second best reason for a scene was of course the diary. Lorlen never ceased in his attempts to have just a peek at it… Although there was probably nothing really that important there to hide it so much – he could now say from the perspective of time. Yet, Lorlen was angry just because there was something that he wasn't allowed to look into. Nowadays, of course, he was far more reserved. What would it look like if the High Lord and the Administrator quarrelled like kids in the playground? Akkarin strained not to burst out laughing at the mere thought of the embarrassment it could cause. A pity it can't happen though, he though. Not that he enjoyed getting his friend mad, but he liked to watch Lorlen when he was angry...

Akkarin shifted his gaze to observe his friend and to catch up on the conversation. Well, it would definitely help if Lorlen showed some emotion from time to time. He was being too cautious with his feelings and that took away something from their relationship. But Akkarin himself was to blame for that as well. He had to become even more secretive than he used to be… Just to protect all the people everything he cared for. His stomach twisted in pain when he thought what could happen to all the things he loved, to his family and friends, to the Guild, and Lorlen as well – if he failed in his duties…

He forced a smile back on his face. Lorlen had just looked up – probably he felt he was being observed – and had noticed the pain that was all over Akkarin. He looked now even more puzzled than before, his hazel-brown eyes searching Akkarin's face for an answer to a question he obviously didn't dare ask. But as their looks crossed, he once again escaped Akkarin's gaze. What was wrong?... Akkarin couldn't still find a reason for this strange apprehension Lorlen displayed towards him. He listened more carefully for a while as Lorlen described the details of the last Guild's Meet. It was important, true, but it was sad that they had no other topics to talk about. Not even after they haven't really talked to each other for a couple of weeks. How come they became so distant?... How long has it been now since they _really_ talked?...

If he only hadn't set out on that trip to Sachaka... He felt his insides tense in pain again, but this time he didn't let a single muscle twitch in his face. Why had he been so naive? So young and reckless? Everything would be different now if he could only turn back time and change that one, simple decision. It cost him so much already and now it seemed it could cost him even more. Pretty much everything he cared for. Maybe he should be grateful that Lorlen had yet nothing else to discuss than everyday's issues of their little family... Maybe the fact that he was so blissfully unaware of the danger was worth the pain of becoming so distant. Of not being able to confide in him, to share his deepest worries and fears with the person he trusted the most. It would be even more painful to see _Lorlen_ worried and in fear. He can't let that happen, no matter what the price will be.

He looked up at his friend through the glass. He seemed a bit more at ease now, leaning in the armchair a bit. Maybe the wine was doing its job... But Akkarin could not help worries overcoming him again. What if he didn't manage to fool the enemies? What if Ichani finally came to Kyralia? There seemed to be more and more of them coming and testing his powers. What chance would people like Lorlen stand against them? True, Lorlen was powerful; there was probably no one in the Guild except himself that could match Lorlen in magical potential. But what power was that compared to a single Ichani, who'd feed on a dozen slaves every day? And Lorlen wasn't even properly trained... Akkarin grunted silently. He still remembered how mad he was when he learned that Lorlen had decided to become a Healer. They were always the best in the Arena, they always practiced together and it always seemed clear to Akkarin that they would both specialise in Warrior Skills. And then Lorlen came up with the strange idea of turning into a Healer – or maybe he had been brewing that for some time, only quietly?... Akkarin tried to change his friend's mind, but he finally came to terms with it – it was Lorlen's decision to make in the end. How much he regretted now that he hadn't been more convincing! Great power was of no use if it wasn't joined by proper skill. Lorlen, unfortunately, lacked that.

Akkarin watched him finish his glass of wine. He observed those little things, those tiny details that he came to know so well and to love so much – they were so typically Lorlen. The way he held the glass between his fingers, the way he bent his head when listening, the way his eyes widened in expectation when he searched Akkarin's face for an answer... What if he lost all that? If he failed in his task and the Ichani came, he wouldn't be able to protect Lorlen as much as he would like to, as much as he used to. If a real war came, Lorlen would be the one that would have to protect others as well. Akkarin strained to keep the dark thoughts away. He can't, he won't let that happen. But he tried to memorize those sweet, little details, to imprint them in his mind, so that he would never forget them. Just in case...

"Takan is almost ready with the dinner. I guess we might start moving upstairs" he said, trying to mask with a smile the strange longing that filled his voice. Lorlen obviously run out of ways to fill the silence and was staring helplessly at Akkarin for some time now. It wouldn't be good to leave him guessing what has caused that odd, worried look on Akkarin's face. But when they both stood up, when the table – the bodily barrier – that stood between them disappeared, Akkarin felt a sudden urge to tell him everything. To share all his thoughts, feelings, all deep emotions he felt towards him; to finally become close again, to end this bizarre drama they were both playing in. He could barely withstand it; it felt almost as somebody was physically pushing him to do it. He gritted his teeth, thankful that Lorlen had already turned towards the stairs and could not see his face. No... This could, this will never happen. No.

"_...you will never be_

_more than a twist in my sobriety..."_


End file.
